What I Learned from The Adam Project
Adam Project - SPOILER ALERT!
The short description we can all read on our own is - “After accidentally crash-landing in 2022, time-traveling fighter pilot Adam Reed teams up with his 12-year-old self on a mission to save the future”. If you have not already seen this - stop reading and go watch it now.
Seriously, please don’t read this if you haven't seen the movie. I don’t want to spoil anything for anyone.
There are so many great messages - connecting with family, treating people kindly, thinking about the consequences with every choice we make, realizing that maybe destiny does have our backs, and recognizing that we should stop running away from parts of ourselves that we don’t appreciate. But, one of the biggest for me is that it also reminded me that it’s easier to be angry than sad, and sometimes we can forget there is a difference.
Our families give us a place in the world. They shape our identities. I lost my own father late last year and have barely mentioned it because I have spent more than half my life angry at him for things that I won’t get into now. My mom used to say, “He loves us to the best of his ability but damn his ability” (sometimes with harsher language depending on who she was talking to and the situation). I repeated that to myself repeatedly as a kid and as an adult. It helped me stop being so hurt by all the time. I learned to shield my heart little by little as he found new ways to hurt and disappoint me. But as an adult, I was cautiously open to a relationship on my own terms.
I reconnected with my father in the fall of 2012 during a nauseating breakup where I realized my ex had lied and cheated and stolen from my family and me. Ironically, my dad shared many of these traits when I was young, was there for me. When he found out what happened, he helped me dig out of some debt that the ex left me with, clear my credit that he screwed up, and added some much-needed dry humor back into my life. He even called me on my birthday the following year (for the first time in more than 20 years). I could tell he was trying - to the best of his ability.
When my husband and I married in June 2014, we invited him. He rented an RV and drove my brothers across the country from Texas to Las Vegas to be there for the wedding. When we met in the lobby at the Bellagio, that was the first time we had been together in the same room for nearly 20 years. I was nervous because this was also the first time he and my mom had been together in the same city for even longer.
My fears were all unnecessary. I had a moment with my mom and dad on a porch that was special to me on my wedding night. Nothing significant, but just the fact that they were both there for me meant a lot.
Fast forward to fall 2016, when Tedford was born. We had been to see my dad in Amarillo, made calls back and forth some, and I was really excited for him to meet my son. I had the impression he was really involved in my half-brother’s kids’ lives, and to be honest, I think I wanted to see him make up for things with me with Teddy. He didn’t. I can see how I had unreasonable expectations in my head at the time. I wanted to see him be like my Granddaddy, but with Teddy - wheelbarrow rides, silly jokes, snuggles, and lots of games. None of these things happened because he stopped calling me around that time.
I will spare you all the details, but after many promises and back and forth and giving up again, my father got sick and passed away in August 2021. A month before Teddy's birthday.
It came on slowly, and he lived with my oldest half-brother and his family. I was mad, hurt, and hurt for my son (who does not know the difference). I never went and said goodbye to him. He was a lucky man to have my brother and his wife and kids watching out for him. I know how hard that was for all of them. I know they saw a softer side of him, a vulnerable side I never saw.
Left: Jan & Monte bringing Shannon home from the hospital (Midland, TX) Center: Shannon & Granddaddy (Houston, TX) Right: Gene & Micheal with Tedford & Nolan and their PopPop (Brenham, TX)
My husband and I drove to Amarillo that night, stayed for a week, and left right after the funeral on a Saturday morning to get home. I thought I had let go of the lifetime of anger and resentment about what happened in our family when I was a kid, but that week brought it back. I always wanted him to want to be there for me, stand up for me, support me. In The Adam Project, when Mark Ruffalo was talking to his kid(s), I heard what I really wanted to hear from my dad - “I am proud of you. I love you [son]. Know that inside your heart.” But most importantly, he said, “Don’t carry this around with you anymore.” Seeing Mark hug his ‘kid,’ every unrequited moment I had with my father returned to me.
I love movies that make me feel things. The Adam Project made me feel so many things - about my own childhood, being a parent, being present. A little later (older), Adam told his younger self, “I spent 30 years trying to get away from me that was you. And I will tell you what you were the best part of me all along.” I can relate in the way that I have just blocked it out, but you can’t run away from yourself, can you?
I honestly don’t know if, just less than a year later, I was getting to say goodbye from the place I am now—as opposed to then - if I would make different choices. Either way, this movie made me think about working on coming to peace with stuff that I have carried around everywhere, like my son’s bags of collected rocks. I spent way too much time with these rocks. I want to peacefully reconcile the past. Really come to terms with my relationship with him, the choices we both made, and make sure I make different decisions with my own kids.
LEFT: First Christmas at Nana & Grans house. RIGHT: Christmas at Nana & Gran's 1981.
