Stopping, Starting & Finding Myself
Have you ever been caught in a cycle of enthusiasm and inactivity, starting new projects with fervor only to see your momentum evaporate like dew in the morning sun? I've lived this cycle more times than I care to admit. Behind each attempt to start anew lies a deeper story, not just of ambition and distraction but of a quest for self-worth in a world that often measures us by our latest achievements.
I looked back and realized that I started writing here nearly every March. I managed to skip 2023 and sat down to think about why. The whys are easy for me.
I love writing and have a million posts that never went up, mainly because it's hard to put yourself out there (especially with the "commenting people of the internet")
I am usually a great listener but could be a better share-er.
I am a perfectionist (yes, I have some 'A' in my 'B' personality). I ask, "Is this ready?" a lot.
I get distracted easily ...
And my most honest reason is that I never feel like enough.
I have been in school off and on as long as I can remember. Some of it truly is just a love of learning new things, but when I am really honest I also have to admit that I have never been fully comfortable just being "where I am." To give you an idea of what this has looked like for me - listing my degrees and more meaningful certificates I have completed (and are in process), not because I want to brag but because I have a point coming.
Just bear with me ...
2001 - Bachelors of Science in Social Work
2006 - Master of Arts in Counseling, Marriage and Family Focus
2011 - Master of Science in Social Work, Community & Administration Focus
2013 - 40 Hour Basic Mediation & Advanced Family Mediation Training Completed, Fully Credentialed
2019 - Certified Dare to Lead Facilitator
2022 - Certified Mindfulness Facilitator
2023 - Masters of Business Administration
2023 - Life Coach Certification, Neurolinguistic Programming Focus
Classes Currently in Process:
Certificate in Traumatic Stress (7 month program with Dr. Bessel van der Kolk)
Project Management Professional Certification (self paced)
300 Hr Yoga Teacher Certification (self paced)
A few years ago, when I started my MBA, I remember my husband making a joke about me collecting certifications. It stuck with me, and I have thought a lot about it and had many lengthy conversations with my sister-in-law about it, too.
I knew he was right... and I think I knew what I was doing on some unconscious level, too.
But that sentence helped me start chipping down my protective wall around that self-awareness I didn't want to deal with then. I didn't feel like enough.
I think we have all had times when we felt unworthy or even conditionally worthy, and it's painful. This painful surge of awareness happened when I was in an 8-week MBSR (Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction) class, the same week I started my first term of MBA classes (yes, I see the irony all around). That awareness was the beginning of me turning a corner. Even if I might still be driving too fast around the circle, I am working on slowing down and even stopping.
As I looked back on my journey, I saw a landscape marked by the relentless pursuit of achievement, a path littered with diplomas and certifications, each a stepping stone toward an elusive feeling of self-worth. But somewhere along the way, the ground beneath my feet shifted. The realization dawned on me, gentle yet profound, that no external validation could give me what I thought I had been missing along. With every overcommitment, I made to committees and boards. Each time, I would think, this is it. This is what was missing. I will feel different now... but I never did.
When I finally started to focus inwardly, something I think I had been running from for many, many years - I realized that one of the most important relationships I had was the one with myself, and I was a real asshole of a friend to me. Maybe not in the "we had plans, and you did no show" kind of way but in the "I know you are tired, but can you help me with XYZ... right now?" and I know you will say yes kind of way.
I never let myself slow down and enjoy where I was in life, and it took me a while to figure out how to heal those parts of me that didn't feel worthy of rest, care, peace, and connection because those parts were the pieces that kept me running.
This shift was gradual and challenging. It came through moments of introspection as I learned to sit with my discomfort rather than run toward a new goal. I discovered that my value doesn't diminish because of a pause or a silence; it grows in depth and complexity. I learned the importance of being my friend and treating myself with the kindness and compassion I readily extend to others. I no longer see my educational endeavors as shields but as bridges to understanding myself and the world around me. Starting this transformation has allowed me to approach life with a sense of peace and groundedness that was previously foreign to me.
If any of this feels familiar to you, start by practicing self-compassion. Challenge yourself to be aware of your inner voices and thoughts. If you find negativity popping in, work on replacing these messages with more forgiving messages. Setting aside time to journal and/or meditate daily is a significant first step to recognizing and embracing your feelings and thoughts. I know from experience that letting go of all these conditions and judgments is powerful, and I hope I can help others find that, too. We see our most profound truths and strengths in the quiet moments of reflection. My journey from seeking to being is ongoing, a path without a destination, where each step is a discovery. It's a journey I now embrace with open arms and an open heart, grateful for the lessons learned and eager for those yet to unfold.
